Sitting on the Fence

I always prided myself as a person who made decisions quickly, efficiently and with finality, without looking back or second guessing what I was doing. I chose with an assuredness that some might call enviable. Whether it was school, career, relationships, moving; whatever the area or the decision to be made, I wasted no time. I always "knew my own mind". Knew what I wanted and how to go about getting it.

In recent times that has not been the case. The decisions I am faced with now are of a very different nature. They are not about mundane everyday tasks or topics. Not about choosing red or green, glazed or plain, black or with milk and sugar, but fundamental, true self and "true to yourself" choices. I have never been a religious person. Organized religion holds no appeal for me. I feel it has it's place in our society for some; it provides a moral compass and parameters in which to function and live daily life. What I'm referring to is a spiritual revolution or evolution. Reaching a point in life where the decision has to be made about who I am and how I'm going to live. Do I continue on the path that I have always walked? The one that has been set our for me, the one that was expected of me from my earliest days? The one the world wanted for me? Or do I break from all of that and look inward to find out who I really am and what I need to do to make changes, even if it means taking risks. Anything out of the norm is deemed risky. Why would you leave your job/career to go and make weavings? Why would you change how you live and who you associate with to be alone? Why retreat from the outside world? Why listen to your intuition instead of taking advice from those around you?

It comes down to a choice I'd been running from for years. To live a life that was expected of me, or to live the life I desired and that would likely have a greater impact. I had always had a good career in Social Work. I was good at it, always connected with clients, co-workers, liked the work. I worked hard, had the respect of managers, was able to move between program areas without much effort and enjoyed it. I thought I was making a difference in the world around me. Looking back some of the choices I made on a professional level probably caused more harm than good. But that comes with working within the parameters of the policies and procedures that are laid out for you.

After my mother passed last year and everything that was associated with that experience, including caring for her in her home before she was hospitalized; things began to shift for me. I realized that I wasn't happy anymore trying to be that person. The last job I had did not work out, it wasn't for me, I'm grateful now that it didn't, but it was more than that. It was a lack of appeal in everything that I did, everything that I was, my routines, my day to day. As it wore on I had to ask myself, "am I living a life that works for me now? Or am I still following the life that was set out for me by others?" For a long time it worked, now it didn't, I had to know why.

After dealing with legal matters, estate issues and then some health concerns I won't get into here, I realized I needed to make a change if I was ever going to make it. There are other factors involved and other influences that I sought out to help me make the choice, but I have decided to take the path less traveled. To embrace it and take it as it comes, to have faith in it and to know that there is only so long you can sit on the fence before you have to make a decision. I believe that what needs to be factored in is whether or not it is in your best interest, whether it will make you happy, where you can make the most difference for the greater good. If the answer is yes, then it's a no brainer. For me, I could not be that person anymore. It felt like a role that I was playing rather than an honest representation of who I was.

So if my days involve weaving, reading tarot cards in my yoga pants with bad hair or meditating with candles, then at least I can do it knowing that I am comfortable with where I am and what I am doing. For most of us, being true to ourselves is as good as it gets.